


Settle For Me

by CaptainVause



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, M/M, Mabari, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2020-07-28 21:23:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainVause/pseuds/CaptainVause
Summary: “It’s hard to know that your hearts desire has left you in favour of another…” Cullen replied earnestly, noticing the sharpness with which Dorian’s head snapped towards him.“Since when does the Commander of the Inquisition know anything about love.”“I know a great deal about love and loss Dorian… I’m human too, you know?”*****Dorian is brokenhearted after The Iron Bull ends their relationship to be with the Inquisitor, his long-time admirer and friend, Cullen, is left to pick up the pieces of his brokenheart with the help of his pet Mabari, named Princess and gifted to him by the Hero of Ferelden, who always seems to be drawn to people who are hurting.Inspired by the song of the same name from Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Cullen wonders if a broken hearted and lonely Dorian could ever settle for him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fidelity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6566434) by [Tahlruil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tahlruil/pseuds/Tahlruil). 

> This has been in the works for a couple months now and I figured I was fairly happy with this first chapter so I should upload it on here. Please enjoy ♥️ I spent about five hours straight with 'Settle For Me' on repeat while I wrote this chapter. Not beta read.

Cullen let out a heavy sigh as he stood staring out over the mountains that surrounded Skyhold, moonlight bathed them in an ethereal glow that he found rather soothing. He was just thinking about retiring to bed when he felt something cold press against his bare hand. He glanced down and broke out in a smile when he saw the Mabari that gazed up at him with a woeful look about her, she licked his hand the second time round.

“What is it Princess?” He asked gently, running fingers through the fur on her crown, normally she just wanted the attention but she continued to press insistently with her nose at his hand before throwing her head over her shoulder. A frown spread over Cullen’s face as she began to pad off towards the stairs. 

“Do you want me to follow girl?” The dog looked at him and he could have sworn she nodded before letting out a little sigh and padding down the steps. When he didn’t follow she let out a soft ‘boof’ and poked her head over the top of the steps, throwing it over her shoulder again before continuing her descent.

He followed the Mabari since that was clearly what she wanted, she’d been his trusted companion for a long time, The Hero of Ferelden had left her to him to help with the trauma of what had happened at Kinloch. He’d never be able to thank Solona enough if he ever met with her again, he knew she’d left the poor pup with him because she didn’t want her to be hurt in the deep roads, and the Mabari had cried and cried for weeks - but it had given him something to focus on that wasn’t the bloodmages he saw everywhere, and something to ground him whenever he woke from yet another nightmare. 

Princess disappeared behind the inn and he only became more puzzled as he followed her behind there. It was only as he rounded the corner and saw her pawing at a figure huddled up on the ground, trembling- shaking with sobs, that he realised where she was taking him… 

“She always was drawn to people hurting,” Cullen murmured, moving closer, eyes widening as he realised it was Dorian of all people, sat in the mud with a tear stained face, black kohl smudged across his cheeks.

“Commander please leave I hate to be seen like this… and take… take your dog… I don’t… need her pity,” the mage may be saying words of rejection but he leant into the dog as she nuzzled at his ear. 

“Dorian,” he said softly, taking a few strides to close the gap between them and quickly squatting down in front of the man. “Dorian what’s wrong? Did someone hurt you?”

“In a way…” the mage whispered, avoiding eye contact. “I… please… just leave me to wallow.”

“Not sat here in the mud… Come back to my office, I’ll make you some tea…”

“I… thank you Commander but that won’t be necessary,” the mage said, rising and dusting his robes off as though that might rid him of the dirt now thoroughly rubbed into them. “I shall be quite alright after another bottle of wine… or two… I don’t need an ex-Templar with a shining knight complex,” Cullen winced, “to save me from this particular trouble of mine… it’s only my own fault, I-“ 

Cullen had risen with Dorian and now had a single finger pressed to the mages lips, shaking his head gently before giving him a weak smile. “Dorian… please… if you’re going to drink yourself into a stupor at the very least don’t do it alone.”

Dorian made a disgusted noise, shaking his head and sighing over dramatically. “Alright Commander. You’ve convinced me… Do tell me you keep some good wine in your office somewhere, I don’t want to have to brave the inside of the inn again…” the expression that crossed the mages face was so dark and broken that Cullen wanted to wrap him in blankets to coddle and protect him from whatever had hurt him so badly. 

It was no secret to anyone but Dorian that Cullen had a crush on him. He thought he’d hidden it well but it had soon become apparent that his affection for the Tevinter Altus had not gone unnoticed by the rest of the inquisition. The teasing he’d gotten almost constantly for the first couple months was awful, but when Dorian and The Bull had gotten together the tittering had gone quiet and people had treated him as though he was made of glass for quite some time.

It was with the same tenderness that people had treated him with, that Cullen now lead Dorian towards the steps that ascended to the battlements.

Once they were inside he told Dorian to just wait a moment, leaving the man stood with the dog while the Commander climbed up his ladder and returned shortly after with a heavy, soft, cotton tunic that was clean. “Here Dorian… get yourself out of that muddy robe,” he said softly, handing it to the man gently before going to the fire, back turned to give him privacy, he put in some kindling and coaxed it back into life from the smouldering embers that had been sat there barely aglow.

He heard some rustling as Dorian took off his robe and pulled on the piece, glancing back and catching a flash of dark skin before the fabric covered it. 

“Th-thank you… Commander…” the mage whispered, fingers playing with the Mabari’s velvety ear as he turned with puffy eyes and a watery smile to look at him by the fire.

“It’s the least I could do for my friend,” he replied, pulling a comfortable chair across to the fireplace and signalling for Dorian to be seated. As the mage made his way over, shivering a little as he realised just how cold he’d been, Cullen pulled up another chair, the chess table and then went in search of a bottle of wine.

“I… you treat me far better than I feel I deserve Commander.”

“Dorian you’ve been a truer friend than…” he looked towards Solona’s Mabari for a moment, “...than I’ve had in a long time. Except for Princess of course.”

“Hmph,” apparently Dorian was out of witty rejoinders at present. Cullen found the bottle of wine, two goblets, and made his way over, sitting across from the mage.

“So Dorian…”

“Yes Cullen?” He mumbled, his moustache twitching a little as he sniffed and wiped his palm over his eyes to try and chase away the tears still threatening there.

“Want to tell me why Princess had to come and tell me you were sitting in the mud and crying?”

“What is this an interrogation?”

“This is… me being concerned for my friend. My friend who is always pristine but today was lying in the dirt-" he paused a moment as though he needed it to fully assess Dorian's bedraggled state of being, glancing towards the muddy clothing on the floor and then back before continuing, "I’m sure that’s one of your favourite robes too."

“I…” Dorian choked a little on the words, a couple of tears working their way out of his eyes and down his cheeks before he let out a frustrated sigh and scrubbed at his already raw face to try and get rid of offending droplets. “Bull he… he ended things today.”

Cullen paused mid motion as he’d been pouring drinks for them both. He froze in that position for a second before gently placing the cup down and moving to Dorian’s side, putting his hand on his shoulder and giving it a firm squeeze. “What happened?” He asked, looking into Dorian’s vulnerable eyes.

“I… think I’d rather… not talk about it right now… it’s still rather an… open wound.” 

Cullen tensed a moment before nodding and returning to finishing filling their goblets. When he placed the silver receptacle in front of his friend the Mage barely looked at it before he’d picked it up and downed the whole thing.

“Take it easy on the wine.”

“I was hoping the alcohol poisoning might take me out before I had to deal with sobriety…”

“Don’t talk like that,” Cullen said heavily, putting the bottle by the hearth and beginning to set the board, taking the odd sip from his own goblet but refusing to refill Dorian’s for the time being. 

“I… apologise Commander… I’m… afraid I’m not particularly good company at the moment…”

“None of us are good company every second of every day… friends stay with us when we’re not.”

Dorian sighed, running a finger around the rim of the glass on his side of the table. “I… don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like you…”

“Dorian, you are an exceedingly good man. Don’t pretend you’re not.”

The mage huffed but knew there would be no arguing with the Templar. They were both equally stubborn in these things… but right now he didn’t have the energy to argue. Princess padded over and nuzzled at his knee gently, he laughed a little and pet her head.

They sat in an amicable silence as Dorian tried to calm, one hand playing idly with the fur on Princess’s neck while the other moved or played with chess pieces. Eventually when he’d finished his own first glass, Cullen poured them both another, Dorian chose to sip this one this time. He hadn’t sought solace in the bottom of a bottle for a long time and his constitution was not what it used to be… but the haze of the drink was helping to numb the rawness of his open and bleeding heart.

“He’s with the Inquisitor now,” the mage said rather abruptly about half way through their second game. Cullen sighed and sat back, Dorian had barely been trying at chess since he’d finished his second glass and the mage’s lack of effort had not gone unnoticed. He topped both their glasses up, knowing that he was beginning to get a little tipsy, a pleasant warmth in his chest and face from the wine as well as the fire burning hotly beside them.

“Could you perhaps start at the beginning Dorian.”

He let out a shaky, shuddering breath. “Bull… he… I knew our relationship was never particularly anything serious but I… had thought he perhaps…” he took in another long breath and let it out, devoting a great deal of effort to keeping it steady and not starting to cry again. “I thought things were more than they were and… I knew he was sleeping with other people but he… today he called her… called her Kadan… he…” Dorian made a noise of disgust.

“Things have been on the downturn ever since that botched Qunari treaty… he’s had eyes for nobody but her since she fucked over the chargers for the Qun… I'm not sure I can ever forgive her for that… I mean we were still fucking but I knew… his heart his… his mind was elsewhere I… and then tonight I went to visit him and I could hear them and…” he shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself and looking cold for a moment despite the heat of the fire beside him.

“We talked. It's over… I… I should be happy for them really. They… they clearly want one another, Maker knows why… he's not been the same at all since he lost them… he… they were family. His family. And she gave the order to kill them for his stupid country and religion and now… now they're together and he's left me and once again I'm left all on my own and it's just… how is any of this right or fair?" 

“It’s hard to know that your hearts desire has left you in favour of another…” Cullen replied earnestly, noticing the sharpness with which Dorian’s head snapped towards him.

“Since when does the Commander of the Inquisition know anything about love.”

“I know a great deal about love and loss Dorian… I’m human too, you know?”

“Wouldn’t have known the way you work yourself to death day in day out,” the mage said with a teary snort.

“I… have been in your shoes… in a roundabout way.”

“Oh do tell Commander.” Dorian did not miss the dark look that crossed Cullen’s eyes as the ex-Templar awkwardly shifted his gaze away. “I apologise… that’s… obviously none of my business to intrude upon-“

“Princesses’s original owner was… I suppose she was my first love.”

“I thought her original owner was the famed Hero of Ferelden or was that another one of Varrics embellishments…. oh.” Dorian murmured when Cullen made eye contact again.

“She was-" Cullen paused a moment to brief before trying to start the sentence again without making a complete mess of his words. "My first placement as a Templar was at the Circle where she was trained… I… had quite the crush…” he continued with a sad fondness.

“After… what happened at Kinloch… we could never have gone anywhere had she even wanted to. Instead she’s now Maker knows where, doing Warden stuff with Zevran at her side… she… she’s happy with him and I would not wish them to lose out on what they have together just so that I could pursue a… childhood crush that would not work with things as they are… We are very different people now… But Zevran was a Crow. Sent to take her life for coin… I was angry at first when I found out. I wondered how she could love a murderer sent after her and so ready to take her life… and yet somehow it worked for them. And I would not rob them of it in hindsight.”

Things were silent for a time after Cullen's admission before Dorian finally broke the quiet.

“The Commander truly does have hidden depths,” he attempted to flirt but the look and words he gave the Commander didn’t carry quite the same air they normally would have, given the black streaks down his cheeks and bloodshot eyes he was sporting. “So how did you come to have her Mabari?”

“She… gifted her to me when I was… in quite a bad place… after Kinloch. Solona did not wish for Princess here to go to the deep roads with her and… I think she took pity on me. Left the pup to care for me and me her… it… was a kindness I shall never be able to repay. She’s gotten me through a lot,” he scratched the dog between her ears when they perked up at hearing her name. “You’re not much of a pup anymore are you hm?” Her tail whacked the floor a few times before she settled down again from the attention.

“I should like to meet this Solona someday… she sounds delightful.”

“She… was…” Cullen whispered, swallowing hard before sipping at his glass to give himself room to try and think about something else to say. 

“Look at us, getting all maudlin over loves lost…" Dorian muttered, slouching further down into his chair.

"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all," Cullen murmured over the edge of his glass before finishing it off and glancing to the bottle that they'd managed to empty. "Shall I grab another?"

"Do you even need to ask Commander." He chuckled, glad for the relaxing change of tone. 

"Of course that was a silly question to ask," he replied going to the cabinet and grabbing another good bottle from the back.

They sat and conversed, Dorian brightening somewhat with the hours and drinks that passed. Cullen was glad the mage had accepted drinking in his company rather than on his own, however he had to admit that he was beginning to severely feel the effects of what they'd imbibed.

They'd given up on chess and instead opted to sit on the rug before the fire, piling furs and blankets about as they traded stories, for all intents and purposes it was like a sleepover one might have as a child. There was a comfortableness there between the two that had not gone unnoticed by either, both appreciative of the other and their ability to sooth the stresses on their souls.

The hour was getting increasingly late and Dorian finally stretched before the fire sometime after midnight.

"Well Commander it has been lovely of you to put up with my presence 'til now, but I really must retire to bed."

Cullen let out a whine, cheeks thoroughly pink from the wine they'd been drinking. "I… don't put up with you Doriaaaan…" he began to pout as the mage shifted to his knees and put his goblet to one side. "Don't go…"

"Cullen while I do love yours and Princess's company, it would not do well for me to be seen leaving your quarters at much later of an hour than this... people will gossip."

"Let them," Cullen mumbled, reaching toward Dorian as he went to stand, catching the edge of the warm tunic and giving Dorian such a desperate, pleading look that the Altus wasn't sure he could find it in him to deny the man.

He smiled gently, settling back on the rug and letting out an over dramatic sigh. "Commander. I do believe you're drunk."

"And?"

Dorian decided that the Commander looked far too pleased with himself as he continued to cling to the edge of Dorian's tunic like a child with his mother's skirts.

"I think sober, you might think better about giving the rumour mills of skyhold anything to latch onto. I… really should be going." 

But he didn't want to.

Still, out of a sense of propriety, Dorian stood to his feet unsteadily. He felt a tug on the back of his borrowed tunic and looked down to see a red faced commander staring up at him with a pout that made it awfully hard to say no. "Don't you dare make sad mabari eyes at me Commander. You'll thank me for this come morning."

Dorian took a step away, still feeling Cullen's grip on the garb. 

"Please stay," the man said, more earnestly this time.

Dorian swallowed hard. "Go to bed Commander."

"Join me?" 

Dorian balked at that. "Commander you're drunk."

The man continued to pout, grip tightening as Dorian tried to step away. 

"Fine… I'll stay a little longer… but only because there's still wine to be drunk. I shall not be joining you in your bed however." Dorian decided that the Commander looked far to pleased for his own good when he sat back on his haunches and released that grip on the garment.

"Thank yooooou," Cullen cooed, beaming at Dorian like the sun shone out his arse.

Dorian wished someone would look at him like that sober.

They talked for a while longer, losing track once again, shifting closer to one another until the Templar had his head resting on dorian's shoulder while they watched the fire flicker and dance before them. Things had settled back into a comfortable silence and honestly there was nowhere Cullen would rather be.

He let out a painful whine as Dorian disturbed it all by shifting so he could better rise to his feet. Well and truly drunk as he clutched at Dorian's hand and continued to make pathetic noises.

"I… the hour truly is late Commander I- mmph," Dorian must have been more addled than he thought he was, to be caught so off guard by the kiss the commander was now pressing against his lips.

The way it made his heart pound and stomach twist in ways they hadn't since his schooldays was incredible, and Dorian found himself chasing those lips for a brief moment when they pulled away for air.

"Please stay," the man whispered, practically crawling into Dorian's lap as he pressed desperate, sloppy, drunken kisses to his throat, face and shoulders. Eyes and hands hungry with the way they urgently but gently flitted over the mage's torso. Dorian hummed softly, his very being thrumming with need as he let the Commander push him down into the thick rug.

"Cullen this is all very-" he gasped as Cullen slid a thigh between his own and began to plunder his mouth with a renewed sense of urgency.

Every fibre of Dorian's body was abuzz with excitement and interest but there was a quiet voice in the back of his mind whispering 'no this isn't right.'

He so dearly wanted to ignore that damned voice and find solace in the blonde.

Each word was pronounced overly carefully as Dorian began to pry the man off him with trembling hands. "My dear Commander while I do adore your attention we are both… quite drunk." It didn't take much effort to remove the man from him. "While it would be lovely to be ravished by you here on the floor… I… you don't deserve… it's not right… not with…" he felt the tears threatening to burst forth again. "While normally I'd be all up for forgetting my broken heart by mindlessly rutting with someone on the floor I… find I rather value my relationship with you and would not wish to… take advantage of your current state."

Cullen looked absolutely miserable as he sat there, knelt before Dorian with his wrists held out and away from the mage's body that he had been so eager to touch. He hung his head in shame, the drunken blush on his cheeks growing darker.

"I… apologise…" he slurred. "I jusssst… wanted to…. Make you feeeeel better," he dropped his chin down to his chest and looked for all the world like a kicked puppy.

"I…" Dorian's voice was thick as he spoke again. "Appreciate the sentiment darling but… you needn't bother. I'll… I'll be fine," his voice was barely above a whisper as he finished the sentence, not truly believing it himself, feeling a few tears begin to roll down his cheeks. 

"If you won't… ssstay… take Princess," he mumbled, looking to the mabari who's ears had pricked up again where she sat in the corner. Dorian had almost forgotten the dog's presence.

"I… don't think that'll-" another kiss caught him off guard, this one tender and fleeting. "-be necessary," the mage finished, his lips tingling and wanting more of the man's sweet, wine tainted kisses but knowing that right now was not the time.

"Please… let her… give me…. Peeeeace of mind." The man was practically begging and Dorian let out a heavy sigh. 

"Oh alright you fool," Dorian muttered, pushing Cullen back when he leaned in for another kiss. 

"Lemme.. walk you back…" Cullen whispered, getting to his wobbly feet and smiling rather unabashedly at Dorian.

His heart melted just a little.

"I don't think that will be necessary Commander. That and if you walk me to my rooms I might lose my resolve and… ruin whatever friendship we might have left after this."

Cullen looked truly hurt then.

"Nothing could ruin our friendship."

"I do believe fucking one another, especially while full of wine might do exactly that," Dorian replied before he practically fled the office, Princess following not far behind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry for posting the first chapter of this and then disappearing off the face of the Earth. I had not long started a job that was very bad for my mental health while living in a house that was also very bad for my health and just sort of spiralled and burned myself out massively. I'm now in a new house spending isolation with a housemate who is looking after me almost as much as I'm looking after him, and stopping me from doing too much, and I'm in a new job that's also helping my health massively as I'm fulltime and they've put in place provisions for me to work from home. I also now actually have my pc set up somewhere that I can comfortably type rather than having to write on my phone all the time and suffer with the associated strain on my wrists and triggering of my carpal tunnel. Can't promise another disappearance won't happen again if my health takes another dive.

Cullen awoke on his office floor beside the two empty bottles and goblets. Every inch of him hurt and it took a little while for him to even remember how he'd ended up there. It was after a minute or two of vague consciousness, that, with a flash of guilt, shame, and regret, the previous evening came back to him.

"Oh fuck…" he groaned pushing himself to his feet only to pitch towards a bucket, intended to catch leaks, and empty the contents of his stomach into it. 

It was while he was hugging the bucket on the floor as though his very life depended upon it, that Jim came bursting through the door. "Message for y-" the scout paused, assessing the situation before him. "Should I fetch a healer sir?" 

Cullen lifted his face, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before carefully rising to his feet.    
"Th-that shan't be necessary. Who's it from?" He gingerly walked to his desk, taking the stale pitcher of water and using it to rinse his face and mouth of the stink of vomit.

"Dorian, ser," Jim replied, wrinkling his nose a little, the smell from the bucket clearly hitting him as he took the step closer to offer the letter to the Commander. 

Cullen was grabbing for the letter before he could restrain himself, quickly breaking the black seal of House Pavus on the front and reading the words with baited breath - only releasing it when he realised he might be going light headed. 

“Ser?” Jim asked, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet before taking a healthy step back into clearer air as he awaited the Commander’s response to the mail he’d received, it seemed like the letter had had quite the effect on Cullen and he wasn’t sure whether he did or didn’t want to know what was contained within. It was obviously none of his business but the Templar and Altus exchanging letters in this manner was something unheard of. 

"Please… leave me Jim… I'll… have a response for you in an hour." 

The scout raised his eyebrow before nodding, clicking his heels, saluting, and leaving. Wondering why the pair were delivering letters across Skyhold instead of talking to one another face to face… Dorian usually loved the sound of his voice enough that any communications to be made were done so in person. Something was up with the pair of them, Jim already knew it and decided he’d have to keep his ear to the ground to work out what in the Void was happening between the pair of them.

Cullen knelt on the floor of his office until the combined cramp and loss of blood to his limbs forced him to move - rolling over onto the furs before the hearth for a time to just read and re-read the letter.

_ Dear Commander _

_ I’m terribly sorry for the state you found me in and the state I left you in last night,  _ _ truly it was for the best that we _ _ I apologise for making off with your lovely clean tunic and dog, thank you for that by the way, and I’m sorry for how drunk  _ _ we both _ _ I allowed you to get. I’m sure we can both agree that nothing of the sort would have happened had we not both been inebriated.  _ _ I'd like to remain friends with you _ _ I have no desire to ruin our friendship by dallying about in a drunken state with you. _

_ So if it’s all the same my friend, can we forget it ever happened and meet for chess again today? _

_ Yours, _

_ Dorian Pavus. _

Cullen sighed and rubbed at his face, moving to the chair at his desk, hunching over the piece of paper, reading and rereading the words upon it before throwing it on his desk to join every other bit of correspondence there. He wasn’t entirely sure he was up to facing Dorian today. He wasn’t sure he was up to facing the Mage ever again if he was honest with himself… of the few times in his life where he’d wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never be found again, this was one of the most wholly consuming and pitiful. Or at least it seemed that way to Cullen at present.

The man thought it had just been a drunken mistake. Didn’t seem to understand that Cullen had been yearning for that kiss- _those_ _kisses_, for almost as long as they’d known one another.

Truth be told his timing could have been better… it was most inappropriate of him to be coming onto Dorian like that when he’d only hours before been dumped by the man he loved. But what had happened had happened and he wasn’t sure how he could change it… he wasn’t sure he could make it better or that they could go back to how things had been before. Given Dorian’s relationship with Bull ending, he wasn’t sure their friendship would ever be quite at the safe point it had been. All the meaningless, safe flirting that would never go anywhere would now be… well it would be meaningful, treacherous, flirting that could go just about as far as Cullen’s imagination would let it. 

He pressed his head against his desk, feeling like he'd hit a wall in what to do next...

*

Dorian had barely slept a wink, reduced to crying again by the time he reached his quarters, he had been so distressed he'd even let the Commander's slobbery beast of a dog up onto his bed where he clung to her all night. Not that the dog seemed to mind. She was a gentle creature and provided some semblance of comfort.

By the time the sun rose, Dorian had already tried putting pen to paper twenty times or more, the small crumpled pile of feeble writing attempts sat in a corner… at some point he had dozed off before being awoken by the gentle lick of Princess's tongue on his arm.

"Alright alright," he muttered, shooing her, finishing up the last bit of a letter and accosting the first scout he found to deliver it to the Commander.

Dorian wouldn't usually rise so early- so he took the opportunity to go for a wander. A second wind had taken him and he no longer felt quite so tired, that and he felt a morning stroll might do him some good while he attempted to come to terms with everything that had happened the previous day.

Bull had left him.

That was the first thing he needed to come to terms with- how he had ever thought the man would come to love him the way he desired, he would never know. But Dorian supposed he'd hoped because it was the one thing he'd never been allowed. A happy relationship was the _one_ _thing_ that would always be out of his reach, or so he'd grown up being told. So when an opportunity for hope and stretching _just _that little further for that goal, for a chance at _something _with Bull, Dorian had leapt at it, hoping that he'd reach his proverbial moon among the stars- and well… he supposed he had ‘landed amongst the stars’ but… the stars he'd landed in, well… that would be Cullen. _That _was something that needed to be addressed. And soon.

The sleep deprived letter he'd written didn't do any of his inner thoughts or feelings justice... but with how mixed and tangled up Dorian already was he didn't want to risk his friendship with Cullen… it was the one thing he could rely on… at least… he hoped. No he knew. His…  _ relationship  _ with Cullen had been a fairly solid rock since it had bloomed in the adversity of the Inquisition and current events. It could survive a little wine-drunk kissing after an evening cuddled up by a fire, bathing in the warmth of the flames and one another’s company...

He did wonder why the man had kissed him. A small part of his heart had tried to suggest that maybe Cullen was actually interested and lacked the tact to wait until his heart wasn't breaking for another. While the much wiser (so he thought) rest of the whole, insisted that Cullen had simply been trying to make things better, and had perhaps seen Dorian's incessant flirting as a suggestion the mage might be interested.

Well the Altus  _ had  _ been interested some time ago. Might still be. But if the man had only kissed him to try and make him feel better then… that wasn't any better than torturing himself with the Qunari he knew he could never have.

Dorian spent much of the morning brooding in the garden in this way. Going back and forth over everything happening, trying to make sense of his own fickle attractions alongside his heart wrenching emotions, and eventually simply going in circles getting nowhere.

At some point a scout appeared with a letter for him, he took it, broke the Inquisition seal and read over it quickly while chewing his lip. And then he read over it again...

_ Dear Dorian, _

_ I apologise for my behaviour last night it was most inappropriate of me. If forgetting it is what you want to do then I shall not object, I didn't enjoy waking up this morning to remember what a mess I became and I don't imagine it was any more pleasant for you.  _

_ I'll meet you at lunch for chess. _

_ Yours, _

_ Cullen. _

What in the Void was he meant to do with  _ this _ ?

Dorian read over the abysmally short missive again and again, struggling to glean much more than what was written on the page. The formality of it all and the way the Commander spoke made what little hope he'd had about the meaning that might have been behind that kiss...  _ wither away to nothing _ . But there was so much more that the man might be trying and failing to say, and Dorian wasn't sure he was any closer to understanding how Cullen felt after a dozen or so readings and analyses of the letter. 

And now he could make even less sense of his own feelings, nevermind the Commander's.

Truly he needed to talk to someone about it. However, when he came to a conclusion of exactly who he should talk to about it, he realised there was a nervous blonde - sans armour - standing just on the edge of his field of vision. Dorian took in a deep breath, swallowed hard and then put on his usually flippant smile… or at least the best attempt of it that he could muster at present.

"Ah Commander, is it time for our game already?" Dorian swept past the man and quickly settled at their usual table, legs crossed and hands clasped in his lap as he smiled and projected an aura of breeziness despite how awkward this already felt.

Cullen cleared his throat and gave Dorian a small,  _ timid  _ smile before sitting himself opposite.

This was going to be a long game, Dorian was sure of it.

It mostly passed in silence but the tension between them was practically palpable. The mage found himself paying attention to every tiny movement the Ex-Templar made. He was noticing more than he usually did like the way the Commander ran his fingers through his hair and scratched the back of his head when he was particularly stressed- but it certainly couldn't be the game he was stressed about because he was clearly winning due to Dorian's attention being away from the board and instead on him.

He'd found he was especially interested in how the Commander would chew at his lips when he was thinking about his next move, or lean forward slightly when Dorian did something he obviously hadn't expected - giving the mage a small whiff of whatever oils the man used to tame his unruly curls. Or at least they were unruly according to Leliana and Varric… not the most trustworthy individuals by any stretch of the word or imagination, however they had known Cullen when he was much younger and the dwarf had to have given him his nickname for a reason.

It was when Cullen successfully checkmated him for the third time in as many hours that Dorian finally held up his hands in defeat and stood to his feet and began speaking with a brusqueness that the Templar was probably undeserving of. "Well done Commander but I do believe my head is not quite in the game today, now if you'll excuse me I must go to my books." 

The sad look that flashed across the Commander's face for a split second gave the Mage pause for a second. 

"Is there something you wish to say Commander?" He resisted the urge to begin tapping his foot as the Templar struggled to find his voice, eventually clearing his throat and beginning to speak a few words...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the abrupt ending but it does go straight into the next chapter. Hope you liked the update. I have had it sat there for quite some time but as I said, the depression spiralled as did self care and everything else. Thank you to my girlfriend and my housemate for being my rocks even though only one of you is likely to read this.


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